I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
