How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
