my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
