My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
