I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
