Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
