I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
