So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
