I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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