There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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