wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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