This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
