One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
