Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
