there's paper in my vomit.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
