So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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