mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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