It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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