So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
