im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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