I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
