And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
