you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
