literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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