the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
