The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
