She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Boobs are out for the taking
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Randomize
