Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
she told me i tasted like america
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
