i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
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