Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
