yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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