Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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