enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
