she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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