Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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