I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
