i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Is it penis luge time yet?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
we should paint friendship bongs
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