I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
