I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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