I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
