A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
