Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
