phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
