Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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