So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
