I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
