so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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