I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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