Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
