Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
