Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
im holly from the hills drunk
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
